Tuesday, 13 September 2011

It's Raining Questions

Days after that sad day, I kept on asking why  it had to happen. Why it had to be us? Did we do anything wrong for us not to deserve our baby? The questions kept on flooding. I even blamed myself for everything that happened. Rain consoled me and told me that none of it was my fault. It was hard to accept, how can I not be at fault when I was the one carrying our baby? It's just so difficult to accept.

The baby is not for us yet said our family. Why? Why is he not of us? It has been almost a month and I thought I got over the questions and the pain already until last night. Rain and I were talking and he mentioned how days seemed to fly by when we had Kalel. The goals seemed easier to work with when we had him. As we were talking, I just felt the tears roll down my face. As my tears rushed down, so were the familiar questions. Why did we have to lose him. He is not for us yet. If he is not for us, why was he given to us to begin with? I found it mean and hurtful to get us all happy and excited to have a baby only to be taken from us prematurely.

"Don't question God's plan, " Rain said. He said that perhaps, Kalel's mission was to test us as partners and to give us direction. When we did not have Kalel yet, we were just dating couples who are having as much fun as we can. We have our future goals, but that's all they were goals. We have not acted on them purposefully. Perhaps he was given to us to test how much we love each other. Rain never left my side. Without a need for a persuasion, he accepted his responsibility and did all he could to fulfill his new role of a father. Without second thoughts, I sacrificed my career because I know that it was the best way to take care of our baby.

In the very short life that our baby had, he has given us so much help. He made us realize where to take our relationship. Personally, I realized how lucky I am to have Rain in my life. He stood by me all this time. He was there when I needed him - I did not even need to ask. He held me and let me know and feel that he loves me just when I needed it most.

Our Kalel is gone. I know that I will never get over the pain and the emptiness, but as Rain puts it, we now have an angel watching over us.

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