Job Hunting

I am back to my job hunting mood. As always there are attempts to get out Call Center industry which I'd like to call as my mother industry. I started out as an agent when I was in college, and the rest as they say it is history. I have learned a lot from this industry and I could say that pretty much my knowledge of the corporate world is from the call center world. However despite all the lessons learned, I must admit that it is such a stress to handle - the unholy work hours, the sometimes annoying callers, etc.

So each time I find myself out of work, I find it to be a blessing in a way. I have a chance to venture to a new realm. So what I thought of doing now is dipping into teaching. Well, the options that I have is not so far form the call center work as the choices I have so far are that of online teaching. It's exciting for me, at last something other than answering inquiries about a person's bill or Internet connection. However, my experience in job hunting did not take my jitters away. The fear of being rejected is still there. Much more that I have no experience teaching and despite my impressive resume, in this part of the industry, I am a neophyte.

But just like in the other applications I have done, it's always putting your best foot forward and just enjoy the moment. The instance I set my foot out of that interview, I am off to look for another opening. It's always hard work that brings me to where I would like to be.

As I pave another path in my career, I am crossing my fingers that just like the rest this experience will make me a better person.

Level Up

When we lost Kalel, my first question was: What is going to happen now? Are we going to stick to our plan or are we going to revert to our lives before we had Kalel?

When we learned about the baby, Rain got a loan to get a house so that when the baby arrives, we'd have our own place and we could start our life as a family. This thrilled me. How I wanted to be with Rain and build a life and a family with him. Everything in me rejoiced to that idea. So when I lost the baby, my question revolved around the possibility of continuing with our plan or just leaving it behind.

Little did I know that Rain's worries were the same as mine. He told me that he was afraid that I would choose to go back to my old life and we'd have to step back in our relationship. Like me, he wanted for us to live our lives together and build our own family.

I felt glad that even without talking, our minds and our hearts are in the same page. We both wanted to live together even if we no longer have our baby. We also both think that it is the best for us so that we would have more time to learn and understand each other deeply, not to mention  adjust to our idiosyncrasies.

I am excited for this new phase of my life. I know that this phase would not be a walk in the park. I know that there would be challenges as we go along but I also know that for as long as I have Rain is with me and we love each other, it would be worth the effort.

Meeting Expectations

If there was anything common about all the relationships I've had, it is my thirst to please the person that I am with. There are days when I try to romanticize this and I put it as making my partner happy. But when you objectively or even clinically look at it, you would say that it is pathological. I have this unusual thirst for approval. Yes, I want some sort of affirmation from the person that I am in a relationship with. For me, it is some sort of validation of my worth - as a person and as a partner.

It could be good but there are times that it becomes a handicap. I have had relationships when my partner used me - emotionally, physically. And yet every time that I am played with the guilt card, I give in. Every time he throws something that says that I am not meeting his expectations, I give in. I do everything and anything just to meet that expectation to the point of losing myself.

I have tolerated situations that I have never dreamed to happen to me simply because in my view, by doing so I am showing my love for my partner. I have been unfair to my self most of the time.

We always have that tiny voice in our head that just screams reason and reality to us. I have ignored that voice simply because it counters the expectations of my partner. Needless to say, that voice is simply telling me that what I am doing is not good for me that I should stop it.

I honestly do not know how to fight that craving, that thirst, that addiction for approval and validation. I just know that it had to stop if I wanted to be in a relationship where I am respected and valued as a person, where I am given what I deserve and I receive the kind of love that is for rightly for me.

A Month had Passed

It will be a month tomorrow. A month had past and yet I the feeling of lost is still in me. There is a vacuum that l no longer leave me. I know that there would be pain in my eyes whenever I see small children particularly boys. There is envy in my heart. That could have been my son, the son that I lost.

I will miss him and love him for as long as I live.

Smile on My Face

Since I was so worried about how we were yesterday and felt that he is already getting bored, it was very difficult for me to get sleep. I was worried thinking that I no longer make him happy. I had to send him an email and just tell him that I am worried about the things between us and I wanted to ensure him and assure him that I love him and all I wanted was to make him happy. I expressed how scared I am just thinking that I might lose him. I lost a son already. I don't want to lose him too.

We talked in the morning. It was the usual talk: what happened to his day in the office, what did they do, etc. And in the midst of our conversation, he mentioned about the email I sent. He assured me that my worries were just that - worries and that he loves me and that it will not change.

It does not matter even if we ran out of stories to tell each other and we just stare at each other the whole day on, he will still love me.

I was able to breathe better upon hearing this. It somehow gave me peace of mind and my worries were driven away. Rain loves me, that is all that matters to me.

Same Old Road? Hope Not

Since July, Rain and I had been on a long distance relationship. We move decided that I move to Baguio and stay in Manila due to my delicate pregnancy.

Nothing changed between us, our communication has not changed, perhaps we even became more conscious of how important it is for us to keep in touch. We talk about almost everything from television shows to food to his life in the office.

The past couple of days however, we seem to run out of stories to tell each other and when we talk over the phone, most of the time we just say hello not because the line was bad but because the other line was so quiet we just wanted to make sure if we are still talking to somebody on the other line.

I feel scared. What if we already ran out of stories to share each other? I know for a fact that I am a very boring person. What if he got bored of me already.

It's just so scary. I lost our son already and I am too scared that I might end up losing him too. I hope that this is just worthless worry about something non-existent.

What's on the Other Side?

There are just some realizations I made when I lost my baby boy. Life has been too short and I had been too stuck on being afraid to do the things that I wanted to do for a very long time.

Rejection is my biggest fear so I avoid circumstances that could potentially lead me to it. Thus I have avoided a lot of dreams I've had and just stayed on the safe side. I wanted to be a part of an international bank but was just too afraid to be rejected. I know that they have high standards and very stringent hiring process. So every time I pass by that bank, all I do is admire its facade. I never tried to drop my resume and just give it a shot. There's nothing to lose anyway. If I do not get hired, then I can just move on. Its easy. But it gets a little more complex when you get ego come into play. I am throwing all that ego away. I placed my resume for a post that I think suits me and throw all my cares to the wind.

I just thought that having what ifs in life is just too much to bear. I would like to be able to tell my children to run after their dreams; I won't be able to do that if I have feared chasing mine to start with.

So I am making first steps to each of the dreams I've had since I was young. Just get my foot on the door. If I get it, lucky me, if I don't at least I could tell my self that I did something to make it happen and had not just been to coward to even give it a shot.

It's Raining Questions

Days after that sad day, I kept on asking why  it had to happen. Why it had to be us? Did we do anything wrong for us not to deserve our baby? The questions kept on flooding. I even blamed myself for everything that happened. Rain consoled me and told me that none of it was my fault. It was hard to accept, how can I not be at fault when I was the one carrying our baby? It's just so difficult to accept.

The baby is not for us yet said our family. Why? Why is he not of us? It has been almost a month and I thought I got over the questions and the pain already until last night. Rain and I were talking and he mentioned how days seemed to fly by when we had Kalel. The goals seemed easier to work with when we had him. As we were talking, I just felt the tears roll down my face. As my tears rushed down, so were the familiar questions. Why did we have to lose him. He is not for us yet. If he is not for us, why was he given to us to begin with? I found it mean and hurtful to get us all happy and excited to have a baby only to be taken from us prematurely.

"Don't question God's plan, " Rain said. He said that perhaps, Kalel's mission was to test us as partners and to give us direction. When we did not have Kalel yet, we were just dating couples who are having as much fun as we can. We have our future goals, but that's all they were goals. We have not acted on them purposefully. Perhaps he was given to us to test how much we love each other. Rain never left my side. Without a need for a persuasion, he accepted his responsibility and did all he could to fulfill his new role of a father. Without second thoughts, I sacrificed my career because I know that it was the best way to take care of our baby.

In the very short life that our baby had, he has given us so much help. He made us realize where to take our relationship. Personally, I realized how lucky I am to have Rain in my life. He stood by me all this time. He was there when I needed him - I did not even need to ask. He held me and let me know and feel that he loves me just when I needed it most.

Our Kalel is gone. I know that I will never get over the pain and the emptiness, but as Rain puts it, we now have an angel watching over us.

Aftermath

After the anesthesia subsided and everything dawned on me, there was a feeling of unexplained sadness and emptiness in me. I would sometimes find my self touching my tummy only to realize that our baby is no longer there.

The images in the emergency room rushed back on me. I was lying on the hospital bed, bleeding profusely but was unconcerned about my own welfare all I wanted to know was if my baby was fine. The nurse was trying to listen for my baby's heartbeat. I listened to it too as if its the only sound in the world that matters (at that moment, for me it really is the only sound that matters). I was waiting for that familiar rhythm that made hospital visits tolerable. It was not there. I asked the nurse if my baby was still there. She did not say a thing but deep within me I knew the answer. A few minutes after, my aunt and uncle came to the hospital. My uncle told me that the baby was gone already, it was that lump I felt when I bled in our wash room. My aunt followed after, hugged me and was crying. I cannot feel anything yet at that point. I did not feel the hysterical sadness I thought I'd feel. I was just staring at them.

I was that way - unfeeling - for a day. I was unfeeling and yet there was this growing void that is eating me. If there was anything in the whole event that consoled me, it was Rain. He made me feel secured. He traveled from Manila to Baguio soon as I told him what happened. He never stopped telling me that he loves me. He consoled me, hugged me and did everything he could to make the whole situation somewhat bearable.

On my second night in the hospital, as Rain was taking his shower and I was there sitting at the edge of the bed, everything dawned on me. Suddenly in my lonesome, I all of a sudden felt my loneliness. My baby and I are no longer one. I never felt so alone in my life. The realization that my baby is no longer with me, I will no longer hear the tiny giggles that I was so excited about. I will not hear him call me Mama, neither will I feel his hugs and kisses. I cried for the first time. I cried for the things I will not be able to share with him, the milestones that I know I will excitedly watch out for and track but more importantly I cried because I lost a son, my first baby.

A Day of Sadness

August 19, 2011 is a day that will be forever etched in my mind. At 18 weeks gestation, I lost my baby. There are no words that can describe my sadness, my pain, and my lost.

August 19, 2011 will not just be a day for me, it was the day I lost my precious baby boy, Kalel Riordan.

Internal Calm

One of the changes that the baby made in me is the kind of peace it brought me. When I am alone and I hold my tummy and just feel the beating heart on my hand, I knew I am in my serene place. It is just amazing, so amazing I am beyond words.

I know that it is ironic to say that though I am the mother, I find security in my baby. It is as if as long as we are together, I know I can get through all the challenges that life has for me. It is such a cliche but the baby has completed me as a woman and as a person.

I used to be scattered brain about life in general yet when I had the baby, I gained purpose. I knew I wanted to give everything I could to him. I know that I may not be able to provide him everything materially but I want to ensure that he would be secured about our love. He would not doubt that we love him.

It is just amazing how much change and direction this tiny life made to my life.

Dreaming of you

I moved to Baguio on my 10th week. It was a bit difficult because I miss being with Rain, my boyfriend. He made my pregnancy easier to handle and the changes more manageable. We never stopped dreaming and preparing about our baby's arrival. All of sudden our lives are no longer centered about us but about another person - our baby. We stopped thinking about our own comforts but about what would make life comfortable for our baby, just like this temporary separation just so we can ensure that he'd be delivered safely and that I'd have all the support that I would need through out the pregnancy.

I was even surprised that Rain decided to get a house for us. It was a huge step which clearly showed the direction that we wanted to take the relationship. All of these changes begun when we learned about the baby. Somehow suddenly it was easier to make bold undertakings such as getting a house and deciding to be together and be a family possible.

Prior to the baby's coming, it was just a plan. A drawing etched in our minds which we knew would take more time to realize. We were taking our time in our journey and just savoring the moment but when the baby came, all of  sudden we knew that we cannot just have a laid back attitude about life anymore after all we are no longer just a dating couple but are soon to be parents.

So as the days passed and as we count the weeks of the baby's development, as we talk about the changes going on and how big the baby is growing in my tummy, we also never ceased to talk about how we'd raise our baby. We decided that we'd like the baby to first and foremost learn respect and obedience. We knew we wanted to raise a child who is fundamentally secured about who he or she is and with a firm understanding that we are there for him/her no matter what.

Our days would go on talking about these. As for me, I never stopped imagining how I'd  take care of the baby. I knew that I wanted to have the baby breastfed, I also wanted to prepare his own food when he starts eating, inherently, I knew I am willing to sacrifice my career just to ensure that he gets the care and the attention that he needs as he develops. I even imagined how I'd teach him to speak, read and write. It was an endless daydreaming for me since I got all the time in the world on my hands.

If I were not dreaming about our baby, I'd be busy browsing the Internet for baby related stuff - clothes, appliance, cribs, etc. The baby gave about a new born passion, excitement and enthusiasm in me. I never felt this way before.

Somehow the baby's coming brought about a change - the kind of change that you knew you'd like to have for a very long time. It also brought a different level of maturity. It's the kind of maturity and lets you do things you never knew you could. It makes you very much aware of the consequences of your action and you decide to do or not to do things not for your own sake but for another person, a person you have not even seen or interacted in ways we are used to. Having a baby is the best feeling or experience I had in my life and I am glad that it happened at a time when I was at an age which is ready for this change and with a man whom I know I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

Calm Preparation

Since the doctor advised me against from working, I took a leave from work to be able to have a rest day. After a month of leave, we have decided that I completely resign from work since the doctor has not given any affirmation that I could go back to work.

It was an easy decision. Though I love my work and working, it was something that I could easily give up if that's the only way that I could do do to keep the baby. For the weeks to come, boredom became my friend. It was something very different for me. I was used to working and doing something so staying at home and not being allowed to do anything was annoying but every time I remember why I had to do it in the first place, the boredom becomes bearable.

During these weeks, my boyfriend and I dreamed all the dreams we could have for the baby. We are at split in the discussion of the baby's sex. He wants a boy and I want a baby girl. So we decided that if we were to have a boy, we'd name the baby Kalel Riordan and if the baby is a girl, she'd be Naomi Neiya. So there, it's either Kalel or Naya :)

On our second visit to the doctor, we were advised the same - I stay away from anything stressful and hard work. The bleeding had decreased but had not completely subsided.

With this, my boyfriend and I decided that I move to Baguio where my Grandma is so that I could have all the help that I could need not to mention that the hospital charges are much lower than in Manila. So I prepared my self for the travel. I rested as much as I could so that the bleeding will subside and drank my meds as religiously as I can, all in preparation for the trip to Baguio.

Trickle of Blood

Everything suddenly made sense for me. Though the baby was not among our primary goals, it was certainly change we very much welcomed. 

There were so much thoughts and worries that flooded my mind. First my family did not know  yet that I was pregnant and did his. Nobody knew about it but us. If there was any consolation in the whole situation, it was the strong assurance that I have my boyfriend by my side. H

e did not leave me even for a second. He took care of me and made sure that everything is taken cared of. 

We casually told each of our families about the news and they all welcomed it. The worries that we had collapsed and everything seem to just fall into place.

However when I was on my 6th week, I got very scared because at the middle of our shift, just right after we had our lunch, I saw blood on my pantyliner. I did not know what to do. I know that I was not supposed to bleed. I asked my mom to accompany me to the hospital.

It was a very long wait for the results. And during the time of the wait all I was thinking was please, let my baby be safe. I had my ultrasound and I never knew that an ultrasound could give a person so much joy and relief. There it was on the screen, my tiny baby with its heart beating energetically. It was the most beautiful thing I have seen in my life. It confirmed that there was indeed life in my tummy. 

Later that day, the doctor confirmed that the bleeding I had was called subchorionic hematoma and advised me against working and to just have bed rest. And so that started my life of bed rest.

Two Red Lines

Weeks after our Holy Week vacation in Bicol, I noticed some funny changes in my body. My breasts felt tender and there were emotional outbursts that I did not usually have. Perhaps I was just stressed at work or that I  was just having PMS. It went on like this for weeks. As I looked at my calendar and counted the days, I felt somewhat anxious to learn that the vacation we had been almost a month past and my period has not yet come. I talked to my boyfriend and we agreed to to have a pregnancy test done. He wanted to be there when I do my test.

It was after our shift. We checked in to a hotel. Soon as we got in the room, we did not waste any time and got into the business of pregnancy testing. As I dropped a sample of my urine to the slide, we anxiously waited for the lines to show. The first red line appeared and we quietly anticipated for the next window to show a line or not. There was a hushed tension in the room. It was only seconds but it felt like forever when finally the second red line appeared. Confirmed, I am pregnant!

There was a couple of seconds of silence as we let the message sink in us. When the silence was broken we both broke into a joyful laughter - we are having a  baby! I watched my boyfriend as excitement was drawn all over his face. We were in that cloud nine for minutes.

After that joyful moment, we had a serious talk about how we would handle this change and blessing. We both know that from that moment, our life will change.

We did not plan to have a baby  9 months to our relationship but not in a flicker to time did we think to get rid of the baby. Having the baby was a gift we never expected to have. It was the kind of surprise that put tears in your eyes. Now, we are no longer just two people enjoying each other's company, we are now a single entity who thinks what best things to give this new life we have received.