I know that is always easy to say that life must move on and that we should just keep moving forward. The operating terms there are MUST and SHOULD. However, despite life's musts and shoulds it is just difficult at time to do what we must and should to.
We cannot help to be feeling and sentimental beings who in the face of a trauma just gets fixated to what is painful and traumatic. It is never easy to move forward, especially when you have lost someone or something valuable.
It has been four months since I lost a son. I have in some ways picked up my life - got a job, went back to my old life - and yet I am still very aware that I am changed. I have lost a part of me. There is an eternal void inside of me. No matter how much I try to drown myself in my realities, I still see myself thinking my could-have-been's and what-if's.
It still brings tears in my eyes when I think of him. It still pains me when I remember him. I think this will always be the case since I am a mother who lost a son. My pain and my longing for him would be for a lifetime. And for me, life around me will always find a way to move on, but I will always look back to that moment because at that moment, I still had a son.
Wednesday 21 December 2011
Friday 16 December 2011
No Shopping Frenzy for Me
It's December and everything just spelled, smelled, and tastes like Christmas. It's funny but this year, it seems that despite the shopping malls screaming advertisements or decorations, the radio stations playing of Christmas songs, for most people, myself included, it seems as though it is just an ordinary day.
There's no feeling of anxiety, guilt and panic that I have not done any Christmas shopping yet - not even a Christmas list. For some reason, all this carnival feel around me seem to be just one big advertisement being displayed on TV. An ad which I chose not to pay attention to.
It could be that times are hard these days and people don't really have the means to be a part of this highly materialistic, commercialized fanfare. On the contrary, I do not feel like being religious either. There is just nothing that seem to jump out in me about the season anymore unlike when I was younger.
As a child Christmas is something that I look forward to every year, much like my birthday perhaps even more than my birthday. Celebration is optional on my birthday but Christmas' is more like compulsory. As early as January, I already begin to look forward to my next Christmas. But then my idea of Christmas as a child is no different than most of the adults I know now: gifts, food, party, no school/work, shopping, etc. It had always been the fanfare, almost carnival like concept of Christmas.
I had been told many times that Christmas is a celebration of Christ's birth. How our gift giving is derived from the magi giving him gifts, how our lanterns symbolize the stars the magi followed, etc. I think that most of us if not all of us who celebrate Christmas knew about this. And yet despite this knowledge, the shift in the celebration's center is inevitable.
People these days are more concerned about what they have and what they want to have more. Sadly we have little care about how to acquire spiritual wealth or how to help other people.
It's Christmas all around me but I could hardly see myself celebrating as much as the rest of them are. If anything, I am not shopping at all fro Christmas presents but I would just like to spend as much time with my husband with no frivolous gifts just some quality time and loads of stories.
There's no feeling of anxiety, guilt and panic that I have not done any Christmas shopping yet - not even a Christmas list. For some reason, all this carnival feel around me seem to be just one big advertisement being displayed on TV. An ad which I chose not to pay attention to.
It could be that times are hard these days and people don't really have the means to be a part of this highly materialistic, commercialized fanfare. On the contrary, I do not feel like being religious either. There is just nothing that seem to jump out in me about the season anymore unlike when I was younger.
As a child Christmas is something that I look forward to every year, much like my birthday perhaps even more than my birthday. Celebration is optional on my birthday but Christmas' is more like compulsory. As early as January, I already begin to look forward to my next Christmas. But then my idea of Christmas as a child is no different than most of the adults I know now: gifts, food, party, no school/work, shopping, etc. It had always been the fanfare, almost carnival like concept of Christmas.
I had been told many times that Christmas is a celebration of Christ's birth. How our gift giving is derived from the magi giving him gifts, how our lanterns symbolize the stars the magi followed, etc. I think that most of us if not all of us who celebrate Christmas knew about this. And yet despite this knowledge, the shift in the celebration's center is inevitable.
People these days are more concerned about what they have and what they want to have more. Sadly we have little care about how to acquire spiritual wealth or how to help other people.
It's Christmas all around me but I could hardly see myself celebrating as much as the rest of them are. If anything, I am not shopping at all fro Christmas presents but I would just like to spend as much time with my husband with no frivolous gifts just some quality time and loads of stories.
Tuesday 13 December 2011
Career Shift
I was in a small party last Saturday with Rain and his team mates (my former team). As I was having a small talk with their Quality Analyst, he asked me about my job and I told him I went back to being an agent. He asked me if I had plans of ever wanting to be a manager again and I said no. I was happy being an agent and working as an individual rather than driving a team to perform towards a goal. He said it would be a waste since I am not using my full potential in my current role. He's probably right, being one of my previous agents he had seen me work and think.
So a few might think and would be quick to judge that this is definitely a wrong career move for me. It probably is. Some might say that there would be no growth for me in this new job and a lot more things. I know because I have thought of them too when I was deliberating about accepting it or not.
It is not just about the money because clearly I earned more in my previous role and I know that I could ask for more had I decided to continue with it. But then, my life's priorities had changed and it is no longer just climbing and breaking a glass ceiling for me. It is fun to be on the top of the pack and leading the team to where they need to be, but there is also a different thrill in working the ranks and interacting first hand with the people who gives you business.
Growth is not always about vertical ascend. Growth can also be found laterally. Growing one's width in terms of knowledge and experience is also growth in terms of individual maturity. I know that I might sound like I am sour graping and just rationalizing my seemingly career limiting move but I found a certain sense of peace in what I am doing now. I find a certain sense of calm in being able to be in control of my own performance and managing my self rather than a group of individuals.
As I have mentioned in the interview I had, at the end of the day, it is just a title and it does not make or define me as a person.
So a few might think and would be quick to judge that this is definitely a wrong career move for me. It probably is. Some might say that there would be no growth for me in this new job and a lot more things. I know because I have thought of them too when I was deliberating about accepting it or not.
It is not just about the money because clearly I earned more in my previous role and I know that I could ask for more had I decided to continue with it. But then, my life's priorities had changed and it is no longer just climbing and breaking a glass ceiling for me. It is fun to be on the top of the pack and leading the team to where they need to be, but there is also a different thrill in working the ranks and interacting first hand with the people who gives you business.
Growth is not always about vertical ascend. Growth can also be found laterally. Growing one's width in terms of knowledge and experience is also growth in terms of individual maturity. I know that I might sound like I am sour graping and just rationalizing my seemingly career limiting move but I found a certain sense of peace in what I am doing now. I find a certain sense of calm in being able to be in control of my own performance and managing my self rather than a group of individuals.
As I have mentioned in the interview I had, at the end of the day, it is just a title and it does not make or define me as a person.
Saturday 10 December 2011
My (Mis) Adventures in Job Hunting
It has been quite a time since I last wrote anything.
So just to update... I went back to Manila to get a job two months after I lost Kalel. Finding a new job is always a mix of emotions. I was unsure if I was still as marketable as I was when I last did a job hunt. There was also a sudden feeling of helplessness that I had to depend on somebody for the things that I was doing before I lost my job. I did not need to ask anyone for money for example and having to ask money again was a little bit uncomfortable.
Job interviews are also a fanfare. I went to this interview where I felt intimidated by the HR personnel's very strong and aggressive personality. I would have admired this quirk in her personality had I not been the person she's grilling in an interview. It was an experience in itself. But I had to turn that job down because I did not like the idea of being a second choice, an alternative. I did not qualify for the campaign I applied for so she's putting me to a different campaign.
There was this another job interview that made me wait for several hours, which to me was a total disrespect of my time as an applicant. I hate it when people think that you will go through hoops just because you are looking for a job, that you are at their mercy. They can make you wait for an eternity before they interview you only to be disappointed by the utter lack of skills of the person who is interviewing you. Needless to say, I did not pursue my application here.
I also went to an interview where you feel that you are impressing the person whom you are speaking with and that they have totally bought you only to find out it's the other way around. In an interview, you always do not know if that positive feeling you have will end up in a job offer.
Then finally, I learned that one should not judge quickly. I dropped by for an interview in a posh office building. When I arrived to the designated floor, I felt lost because in most firms I have been, they normally occupy the whole floor. This one was just a small room, with around 20 work stations and no receiving area. I was interviewed by what I think were representatives of the campaign, probably their most tenured ones if not their top guns. I knew I owned them the moment I spoke to them. But at the back of my mind I was already thinking about how much would they compensate me given that they have a small operation. Let's just say I was pleasantly surprised when I signed my contract.
If there's anything I learned in this adventure, when you find yourself in a position where you have the power to start over, to select the door that would define the new you, you always need to know what you want not only in terms of career or professional growth but life in general. The job I took is a step down from what I used to have in terms of rank and of salary grade. It does not even promise a possible promotion. Yet what made me decide to pick this is simple, I know that my end goal is to focus on my new family. I want to be there for Rain. I want to have time for him and be available to him. I do not like to be the partner who just gives my contribution to our budget but is always too stressed and tired to even carry a conversation.
I want to focus on being a wife to him. I want to be able to be more successful in that area than in climbing my glass ceiling. After all being a wife and hopefully a mother is not only a career but a devotion.
So just to update... I went back to Manila to get a job two months after I lost Kalel. Finding a new job is always a mix of emotions. I was unsure if I was still as marketable as I was when I last did a job hunt. There was also a sudden feeling of helplessness that I had to depend on somebody for the things that I was doing before I lost my job. I did not need to ask anyone for money for example and having to ask money again was a little bit uncomfortable.
Job interviews are also a fanfare. I went to this interview where I felt intimidated by the HR personnel's very strong and aggressive personality. I would have admired this quirk in her personality had I not been the person she's grilling in an interview. It was an experience in itself. But I had to turn that job down because I did not like the idea of being a second choice, an alternative. I did not qualify for the campaign I applied for so she's putting me to a different campaign.
There was this another job interview that made me wait for several hours, which to me was a total disrespect of my time as an applicant. I hate it when people think that you will go through hoops just because you are looking for a job, that you are at their mercy. They can make you wait for an eternity before they interview you only to be disappointed by the utter lack of skills of the person who is interviewing you. Needless to say, I did not pursue my application here.
I also went to an interview where you feel that you are impressing the person whom you are speaking with and that they have totally bought you only to find out it's the other way around. In an interview, you always do not know if that positive feeling you have will end up in a job offer.
Then finally, I learned that one should not judge quickly. I dropped by for an interview in a posh office building. When I arrived to the designated floor, I felt lost because in most firms I have been, they normally occupy the whole floor. This one was just a small room, with around 20 work stations and no receiving area. I was interviewed by what I think were representatives of the campaign, probably their most tenured ones if not their top guns. I knew I owned them the moment I spoke to them. But at the back of my mind I was already thinking about how much would they compensate me given that they have a small operation. Let's just say I was pleasantly surprised when I signed my contract.
If there's anything I learned in this adventure, when you find yourself in a position where you have the power to start over, to select the door that would define the new you, you always need to know what you want not only in terms of career or professional growth but life in general. The job I took is a step down from what I used to have in terms of rank and of salary grade. It does not even promise a possible promotion. Yet what made me decide to pick this is simple, I know that my end goal is to focus on my new family. I want to be there for Rain. I want to have time for him and be available to him. I do not like to be the partner who just gives my contribution to our budget but is always too stressed and tired to even carry a conversation.
I want to focus on being a wife to him. I want to be able to be more successful in that area than in climbing my glass ceiling. After all being a wife and hopefully a mother is not only a career but a devotion.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
