Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Moving On?

I know that is always easy to say that life must move on and that we should just keep moving forward. The operating terms there are MUST and SHOULD. However, despite life's musts and shoulds it is just difficult at time to do what we must and should to.

We cannot help to be feeling and sentimental beings who in the face of a trauma just gets fixated to what is painful and traumatic. It is never easy to move forward, especially when you have lost someone or something valuable.

It has been four months since I lost a son. I have in some ways picked up my life - got a job, went back to my old life - and yet I am still very aware that I am changed. I have lost a part of me. There is an eternal void inside of me. No matter how much I try to drown myself in my realities, I still see myself thinking my could-have-been's and what-if's.

It still brings tears in my eyes when I think of him. It still pains me when I remember him. I think this will always be the case since I am a mother who lost a son. My pain and my longing for him would be for a lifetime. And for me, life around me will always find a way to move on, but I will always look back to that moment because at that moment, I still had a son.

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