Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Valentine's Day

This would seem funny if not embarrassing but in my 28 years of life here in this planet, this was the first time in my life that a guy has given me flowers and chocolates on V-Day. 28 years and it's my first time to experience that sense of pride and happiness in knowing that I was remembered and that I was special to somebody - not just somebody but somebody I hold dear, my husband.

Rain, as always has unknowingly melted my heart in his simple gestures and in his desire to simply please me and make me happy. I was just expecting a simple lunch since that was what's slated for our day, but no, I was pleasantly surprised by his gifts.

During the lunch, he told me that this was his first V-Day. The first V-Day that he actually celebrated and made efforts to be one of the many who make this day special. It was mine too. And now, that I was actually part of the hype and the frenzy, it's easy to understand why people go out of their way to find time and energy for this day. This is a day where you'd like to let the person you love feel specially loved.

I used to think that it was corny or cheesy to be part of the events, the hype, the mania that is V-Day. I avoid restaurants and movie houses during this day as I know they'd be packed with love stricken couples on a date. I mentally try to calculate how much of the flowers all dolled up in a bouquet, will eventually find their way not in vases but in the trash at the end of the day. Yes, I was one of those who look at the dating couples make estimates of how long their relationship is going to last.

Now I understand that all that was was misunderstanding if not just sheer envy for those who feel specially appreciated on this special day because now I know how wonderful it is to be a part of the frenzy. How wonderful it feels to be affirmed that you are loved and are special to not just anybody but more especially to that one person who means the whole world to you.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

After Moving In

This is probably one of the major if not the major decision I have done in my life. Unknown to both Rain and I, after we have lost Kalel, we both thought about our status - are we going to stay as girl friend -boy friend, or are we going to take this to a notch. I was quietly hoping that we'd push through with our plans of moving together even if we no longer have our baby. It just does not make any sense to me that we would go back to default after all that happened. We shared the same sentiments despite not having been able to discuss this prior.

So January 8, 2012 marked the first day of our lives together. It was an exciting phase for me. So exciting that in the middle of cleaning the bathroom tiles it came to me that I was already living my dream, my fantasy when I was just a schoolgirl. This is already the future that I have dreamed about.

How did my reality fare with my fantasy? Definitely better. It was all I thought I would be and more. Though it was my dream come true, reality is we are faced by challenges. And in this early phase my biggest challenge is adjusting to his personality. Though I have known him before, sharing the same roof with him is a different thing all together. There are quirks to our personalities that we were just learning.

I would admit that there was more than one instance that I found myself in the brink of losing my patience and just wanting to go back to my old life. But then when he held me in his arms as we sleep, as I felt his warm breath fanning my forehead, I knew it was worth all the trouble. This is what I have dreamed of all my life and now here I am living my dream. Not many people are given the opportunity to live their fantasies and actually like them, I would consider myself among the lucky few who had what they always wanted and knew deep down that living that moment is worth all the wait, pain and sacrifices that came with it.

We have just started and we still have a long way to go but I know that for as long as we have each other, I know I will be happy.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Moving On?

I know that is always easy to say that life must move on and that we should just keep moving forward. The operating terms there are MUST and SHOULD. However, despite life's musts and shoulds it is just difficult at time to do what we must and should to.

We cannot help to be feeling and sentimental beings who in the face of a trauma just gets fixated to what is painful and traumatic. It is never easy to move forward, especially when you have lost someone or something valuable.

It has been four months since I lost a son. I have in some ways picked up my life - got a job, went back to my old life - and yet I am still very aware that I am changed. I have lost a part of me. There is an eternal void inside of me. No matter how much I try to drown myself in my realities, I still see myself thinking my could-have-been's and what-if's.

It still brings tears in my eyes when I think of him. It still pains me when I remember him. I think this will always be the case since I am a mother who lost a son. My pain and my longing for him would be for a lifetime. And for me, life around me will always find a way to move on, but I will always look back to that moment because at that moment, I still had a son.

Friday, 16 December 2011

No Shopping Frenzy for Me

It's December and everything just spelled, smelled, and tastes like Christmas. It's funny but this year, it seems that despite the shopping malls screaming advertisements or decorations, the radio stations playing of Christmas songs, for most people, myself included, it seems as though it is just an ordinary day.

There's no feeling of anxiety, guilt and panic that I have not done any Christmas shopping yet - not even a Christmas list. For some reason, all this carnival feel around me seem to be just one big advertisement being displayed on TV. An ad which I chose not to pay attention to.

It could be that times are hard these days and people don't really have the means to be a part of this highly materialistic, commercialized fanfare. On the contrary, I do not feel like being religious either. There is just nothing that seem to jump out in me about the season anymore unlike when I was younger.

As a child Christmas is something that I look forward to every year, much like my birthday perhaps even more than my birthday. Celebration is optional on my birthday but Christmas' is more like compulsory. As early as January, I already begin to look forward to my next Christmas. But then my idea of Christmas as a child is no different than most of the adults I know now: gifts, food, party, no school/work, shopping, etc. It had always been the fanfare, almost carnival like concept of Christmas.

I had been told many times that Christmas is a celebration of Christ's birth. How our gift giving is derived from the magi giving him gifts, how our lanterns symbolize the stars the magi followed, etc. I think that most of us if not all of us who celebrate Christmas knew about this. And yet despite this knowledge, the shift in the celebration's center is inevitable.

People these days are more concerned about what they have and what they want to  have more. Sadly we have little care about how to acquire spiritual wealth or how to help other people.

It's Christmas all around me but I could hardly see myself celebrating as much as the rest of them are. If anything, I am not shopping at all fro Christmas presents but I would just like to spend as much time with my husband with no frivolous gifts just some quality time and loads of stories.
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